COVID-19 and Familiy Tension

Social distancing and self-isolation amid the COVID-19 pandemic put pressures on family dynamics and communication. This is normal for any group of people contained in an area for an extended periord of time. Here are some tips to help your family navigate some tense moments, disagreements, and arguments. These don’t constitute a magic wand. They require focus, effort and practice.

Acceptance: The first thing to take note of is that tension and arguments will take place. Don’t be surprised that it happens to you and your family. Disputes are natural; if we didn’t have them, then there would be no progress, innovation, growth or invention. We’d all think alike and be boring. So, just know that things will get difficult at times. Luckily, though, you can mitigate the impact.

Clenan Up: In a time when control of our daily lives is in question, cleaning rooms gives us some sense of control. Not to mention it is nice to have a clean house (or even a few rooms). We cleaned the kitchen the other day, arranged small appliances, etc. and got a feeling of accomplishment. It affected how we view our daily lives in isolation. This was a bit difficult with the 2yr old running around, but it was worth it. It gave us a boost and made time go by a bit quicker. And, it’s clean!

Don’t Escalate: When an argument starts to get heated, chances are it will continue to heat up. This can lead to escalation. The goal at this point should be to find ways not to make things worse.

Go over the Five Pillars of Conflict

1. Position and Interest: This is finely illustrated during presidential debates. How many times have the candidates been asked a question and they never answer it? They either talk about their record, the other candidates, or something totally different. They are positioning themselves to “win” an argument; not to address the question or interest behind the question. Same goes with all of us. We tend to focus on winning rather than addressing the concern.

   Take a step back and look at the situation. What is the interest—what do you want? What do they want? Why do you/they want it? The why is the interest, the position is what do I want and how am I going to get it? It may sound simple, but in the heat of disagreement things gets cloudy.

2. Remove Toxicity: Obvious examples of toxicity are yelling, cursing, and insults. But other little things can create a toxic environment, which can only add to the tension. Passive aggressive behavior (refusing requests, procrastination, stubbornness), sarcasm, getting the “last word”, and what I call parting jabs (those quick mutterings that are designed to get under their skin) are also examples of toxicity. Most of these come on the edge of emotions and depart from the substance of disagreement.

3. Don’t Assign Mmotivation:  (This pillar is especially strong when it comes to online communication. So much is lost, or not included, in texts, emails, even video-conferencing).

   A common factor underlying arguments is the unknown; “why did they say that?”,  “why did they do that?”  Our natural instinct is to fill that unknown void, and if we don’t know the actual answer, we’ll make it up. During an argument or disagreement, these made up answers for why someone did/said something alter your perception of the situation and can make a foggy situation worse. So, don’t assume you know the reasons for ohters’ behavior. While not knowing is less than ideal, assuming you know just makes matters worse

4. Separate Person from Problem: A big one. Often, the person becomes the focus of an argument and not the problem—“you always do this”, “you’re not even listening”. Not only does this escalate the tension AND entrench positions AND ignore the interests, it drives a wedge between you and them, possibly a permanent one. When you sense yourself starting to look at the person in a different light, stop and refocus. When they do it, kindly move the conversation back to the issues (“We can talk about me later. Let’s get to the issue”).

5. Intent and Impact: Ties in with assigning motivation, but in a way, the reverse. We don’t know why someone did/said something, but we know how we are impacted. Yet, they may not know how we are impacted. If the impact is not communicated (or if it’s dismissed), then tension can increase. So, keep in mind that if something impacts you in one way, it may not have been the intention. And if you intend something, know that it may have a different impact.

Relieve the current status/tension:  Get out of the situation. Go for a walk or a quick jog. Try to release your tension in a safe way. Clear your head. Get out of the oppositional space.

Communicate that you’re stressed: But don’t just walk out.  Inform the other person that you’re stressed and getting upset. “I need to take a walk for a bit. I’ll be right back.”  Or, if that is not possible, “Ok, timeout. I need to calm down. Please give me a little while.”  Maybe take time now to agree upon a “safe word” first (before arguments) When you’ve calmed down, cleared your head, and shifted attitude. When things get heated, use the safe word so that both/all parties understand that a break is needed.

Don’t judge emotions:  “No reason to get angry” is dismissive and minimizes someone’s emotions. There may be plenty to get angry about and no one knows how you feel except you. Emotions are neither right nor wrong; they just exist. They should not be suppressed or evaluated, yet they can be acknowledged and managed. Pay attention to their emtions and yours. Be honest with yourself, at least, and realize when emotions are being neglected.

Apologize: An apology can go a long way. Apology for being wrong, for making someone angry or sad, for getting angry, for yelling. Just saying “I’m sorry” may be ok, but clarify why you are sorry. “I’m sorry for yelling at you. I just got angry and didn’t mean what I said.” No blaming

Blame game: Don’t be like the politicians. Blaming just escalates. Sure, someone may be at fault, but how does blaming them get you anywhere? Learn from the mistake.

Seek to understand your emotions: What agitated you? Is it something serious? The way someone said something? Or was it something earlier that just keeps popping up?

Seek to understand their emotions: This may come a bit later because they might not understand their emotions. Then again, in the moment it could be useful to convey empathy and allow others to vent. They could be frustrated because you’re not noticing (or even dismissing) their emotions. Don’t push it and say something like, “I want to understand your emotions, what are they?” Be mindful about how they’re reacting or pushing for something.

Hopefully, these tips can help you navigate home-based difficulties during this difficult time. Be safe. Be kind. Be patient.

Sending Dad to the Nursing Home? Elder Care Mediation

 Sending Dad to the Nursing Home?

“You want to put dad in assisted living? Why?”“You live across country and you don’t know what I go through. I have my family to look after too you know.”Does this situation sound familiar? If you are engaged in family squabbles regarding eldercare, think about a family gathering with a neutral mediator.All too often we get too close to our problems and fail to see possible solutions. A neutral can help keep the peace and often help restore broken relationships.By getting everyone together, including the elder parent(s), solutions can be found that satisfy everyone’s needs and reduce family tensions.If indeed certain members live cross country, conference calls or video conferencing can be arranged. These sessions do not necessarily eliminate the need for attorneys or financial planners, but may considerably reduce the time you will need for their engagement.If your family is having a difficult time making decisions about care of an elder family member, contact us to discuss how our services can help.

Resolve Family Conflicts Before It's Too Late - Tell Your Sister You Were Right About Me

Tell Your Sister You Were Right About Me~Darth Vader

You probably know someone who has been in a conflict with a relative for years, perhaps decades. Perhaps you yourself have not spoken with a brother, sister, or parent in a long time. This is a common problem. The more time that goes by, the more difficult it is to reach out again. Put yourself in Luke Skywalker’s shoes.In the Star Wars Trilogy, Luke Skywalker does not know that his father has turned to the dark side and is plotting to control the Galaxy. But when he does find this out, he sets out on a quest to save his father, as he knows that “there is good in him,”Finally in the tragic yet hopeful end to The Return of the Jedi, Luke’s Father, Anakin instructs his son to take his mask off “so I can look on you with my own eyes”.Darth Vader then speaks his final words to his son, “tell your sister you were right about me, tell your sister you were right”.What Luke was right about was that there WAS good in is father, and that although torn with jealously, power and rage over a lost love by the evil Emperor, deep down inside, Anakin Skywalker LOVED his son and wanted to somehow reunite with him.What made it so difficult for Vader to release his anger and forgive himself for his wrong doings and return “to the light side” of the Force and life in general were those around him that were using his anger to their own benefit.OvalOptions creates an environment free of these outside influences where people who have been long separated by anger and hate can come together and let go.We can assist you and your family members by bringing you back “to the light side” and helping to heal wounds before its too late.If you’re not sure how to start the conversation, call 720-220-8683 or contact us here.

Family Legal advice vs family legal information

Family Legal advice vs family legal information

When you find yourself in a family related conflict, whether legal or otherwise, you probably care little about the actual difference between family legal advice and family legal information but the difference is vital to finding the right help for your situation.Legal advice requires knowledge of your specific situation and the actual application of law in your circumstances. Advice can only be offered by licensed attorneys. If you call a government agency or other resource and state, “I need legal advice,” it is likely that the person on the other end will quickly cut you off and say they can’t help. The reason for this is simple, to offer legal advice you must know the law and you must be willing to accept some amount of responsibility for the advice you give. The fact that the legal system is very detailed and complicated is why you may need an attorney as well as why attorneys charge a lot of money for their services.Legal advice includes things such as drafting official legal documents, representing a person in court or answering the question “what will happen in court?”Legal information only requires some knowledge of legal processes or where to find certain resources.The choice is always in your hands. Contact OvalOptions to learn about our services, get information on relevant resources and to understand if your needs and interests require seeking legal advice from a licensed attorney.

I need family legal advice! Family Legal advice vs legal information for families

I need family legal advice!

Many of our initial family oriented phone conversations with potential mediation clients begin with this plea for help, “I need legal advice!” While we can’t give legal advice, we can offer some tips and services that may be able to help you. Often our Denver mediation callers are more in need of direction/information than true legal advice, however, if you do need legal advice you will need to contact an attorney for that information. The following article will help you understand the basic difference between legal advice and legal information and will offer some basic information that may help you with your situation.The OvalOptions Denver Mediation and Arbitration services work outside of or along with the legal system which often creates confusion. When you contact us, our first step is to hear the condensed version of your situation and how you would like to see it resolved. Are you getting divorced and want to settle as peacefully as possible or are you angry and looking for someone to advocate for you? Maybe you loaned your brother money to start a business and the repayment hasn’t started as expected. In this case you could be interested in negotiating a payment plan or you could be more interested in taking him to court to recover the lost funds. Both of these scenarios present opportunities for both legal advice and opportunities for mediation options.

Avoiding Family Conflict During the Holidays

Avoiding Family Conflict During the Holidays

Happy Holidays are not always so happy. You might actually be dreading a potential conflict or confrontation with a family member you have not seen since last December.  The anticipation of such conflict might even cause you stress. Getting together with your family can be an opportunity for tension to arise and disputes to erupt. This just adds to the anxiety already associated with the Holiday season—shopping, travel, traffic, endless Santa commercials, Black Friday, “seasonal” music, and so on.Tensions exist. Everyone in your family is different, and those differences make them unique.  Disagreements do not go away if ignored and can come up at inopportune times—like holidays.  Understanding several factors that enhance tensions and differences is the first step to ease the holiday stress.

• Anticipation: Keep in mind that anticipation for an event is usually worse than the event itself. Have you ever dreaded a situation, but then afterwards realized, "well, that wasn't bad"?  The dread we feel weeks leading up to the family meeting just adds fuel to an unlit fire. Keep in mind that other family members may be experiencing the same dread.  One small spark can ignite a firestorm.
• Acknowledgment: Since not thinking about it is not an option, nor a wise choice, we move to the next best thing: acknowledgment. Understand that, yes, there will be rough moments...this should not be surprising…and that you can be prepared to manage them effectively, if not efficiently.
• Salience of Tension: Anticipation helps increase the strength of tense situations. That is, dreading the “question”, or the “speech” that some family member will inevitably bring up only makes the question/speech worse than it really is.  We've built it up in our minds.  And we deal with this anticipation in addition to our normal lives and the stress therein (work, friends, neighbors, etc.), which adds to the worry, which in turn worsens the situation.
• Separate the situation from the person. This is not easy, but it helps.  We tend to attack the messenger, and not address the message. Yelling or snapping at someone does not help, and actually can make things worse. Keeping in mind the previous two aspects helps this separation. Maybe somebody verbally attacks you--resist the urge to return the favor.
• Understand that not everyone will agree with what you say, think, believe, feel and do. Convincing them can be an exercise in futility, and probably would not change things anyway.
• No Judging: Leave judgment in the car. Just as you have your own motives, so, too, others have theirs. If you do not like the way a family member lives that is fine—and that does not mean they are wrong.  Telling someone he/she is wrong will be met with defense, which can turn to offense. And the back and forth ensues.
• Truth: A little bit of soft honesty can go a long way. Honesty about yourself, and not other people.  If you are uncomfortable talking about something, then say so…and give a little bit of an honest explanation to help others understand what you mean.
• Confrontation: The Holiday season is no time to initiate confrontation. If you would like to confront someone, wait until later. If someone confronts you, say you understand and will talk about it later. There is simply too much stress to address disputes constructively during Holidays.  Maybe agree on a time/place after the holidays to talk things over. But, don't use this as an excuse to not talk about it.  This will only make next year worse.

Some issues cannot be resolved. Others may take time.  This is no magic wand cure all, but with just a little bit of effort, understanding and patience (and maybe a touch of acceptance) can turn that holiday nightmare into an enjoyable time.

Making the choice between your friend and your politician

The presidential debates are looming, and many of us need to be reminded how to avoid turning our friends into enemies. The tips below will help you maintain sanity during the political season and avoid the need to choose between your friends and your candidates.

1. Remember every issue has many viewpoints; strive to understand them.
2. Listen to what is meant and how you are receiving it rather than how it is stated.
3. Ask questions to clarify meanings.
4. Focus on the issues, not the person.
5. Be respectful; no name-calling.
6. Ask yourself whether you have all of the facts. Be open-minded and willing to learn.
7. Keep the doors open to areas of common agreement and new ideas.
8. Practice patience.

The key to working through all types of disagreements is to strive toward understanding the other person’s perspective. If you understand where they’re coming from and why they believe what they do, then they are more likely to act in kind and recognize your opinion on the issue.Remember that, unless you destroy the relationship now, your friends will be around long after your candidate’s term has ended. Also, be sure to consider how boring the world would be if we all agreed on everything.If you want more information, read about our efforts to encourage productive conversations through Pub Dialogues. 

What is divorce mediation and how can it help?

Negotiating divorce is one of the most common uses for mediation and many people have common questions about the process. Here is a quick Q&A for you.1. What is mediation?Mediation is a process that works outside of or along with the court system. The purpose of mediation is for a neutral person to help couples negotiate the details of their separation. The mediator isn’t a decision maker but is responsible for keeping the conversation focused and productive.A mediator can help you negotiate anything you need but the most common aspects include working out the separation agreement and the parenting plan. In Colorado, these two documents are the most common divorce forms (assuming you have children). Depending on your situation, you may need other documents. You can find Colorado court forms here. Mediation is flexible and allows you to draft agreements on as many points as possible and leave the rest for the judge to decide.2. Why did the judge order mediation?In Colorado, mediation is part of a standard case management order, which encourages people to work out as much on their own as possible. Judges are required to make decisions based on the information you give them and the legal precedent. If you don’t have an attorney – and even if you do, you can be surprised by the judge’s decision. Believe it or not, the judge is a person, too, and he or she generally doesn’t want to decide who gets the television or car, when you get to see your children, or which parent is best to make the day-to-day decisions about your children. Mediation is your last opportunity to work out something that you’re both happy with before the judge makes a decision for you.3. What does the mediator decide?The mediator does not decide anything. The mediator’s job is to help you think through the pros and cons of all options and even think outside of the box.  The purpose is to help you figure out what works best for you in your situation.4. Is mediation enforceable?No, but your agreement can be filed with the court, and once a judge approves it, it can be enforced.5. Can mediation be used in every situation?Mediation can be used in a lot of situations but isn’t always appropriate. Contact us to see if mediation is appropriate in your case. 

Resolving Disputes When Logic Collides with Emotion (Part III)

(Part III of a Three Part Series)Return to Part IISo, what can the Achy Breaky (“A/B”) person do to deal with someone who can’t get out of the way of their own calculations?Cheat Sheet for the Achy/Breaky Person

• Get your facts straight before wailing and keening. Before diving into conflict (legal/domestic/employment), figure out your best/worst case scenarios. Talk with an attorney, CPA, or investment advisor – get the real story. So when Mr. Facts & Figures (“F&F”) brings his numbers game to the table, you have cards to play; rationally evaluate his proposal based upon your own research.    
• Take a breath, then make a practical offer. Just like you don’t shop when you’re hungry, don’t make proposals based upon how you feel at a particular moment. If you do, at best, you confirm his opinion that you’re a basket case – at worst, you lose credibility, confirming that F&F is better off taking his already calculated chances in court. He’ll respond more positively to a realistic proposal, but he’ll still question your offer- So what?  
• F& F isn’t rejecting you – He’s getting his head around your figures and how you arrived at them. When he offers a counter proposal, (a salary figure, a purchase price, a personal injury settlement offer), ask him to explain how he arrived at the figure, so you know where he’s coming from. Trust, but verify them with your professional.  Let F&F explain his logic – Listen and try to hear what he is saying. Try to repeat back what was said (it may be difficult, so be patient!). “Facts & Figures” people also need to be heard and validated – it’s everything.  
• No Yelling for “Judge Judy.” Give the situation a chance; listen, dialogue, validate the other side’s reasoning, if not his actual proposals. If resolution is impossible, then tell Mr. F&F what you’re going to do – don’t waste emotion on threats - a Facts & Figures guy already knows his chances in court. Besides, threatening to go to court is a “be careful what you wish for” kind of problem for you too – what you may receive from a judge financially, may never make up for what you might lose emotionally (increased hostility, new financial fears, grief over a lost opportunity). Clinging to your emotionally driven offer may ultimately cost you more money, time, and energy. Finally, when a Facts & Figures person threatens to go to court, don’t panic. Use his F&F mentality to your advantage: you know he has already penciled out his chances of winning/losing. So, until he really files, he’s still open to informal resolution. Remember, he deals in numbers – it’s his Woobie security blanket. Inhale….Exhale….Repeat.

So, whether you’re a logic person, or an emotions person; each side needs to be heard, understood and acknowledged in a dispute. Each needs to be a part of the decision making process, even if the ultimate decision is not what he/she envisioned. People who can honestly listen, remain open and respectful to the other side’s concerns and interests, and give good faith effort to mutually resolving a situation - can resolve it in spite of their differences.

Resolving Disputes When Logic Collides with Emotion (Part II)

(Part II of a Three Part Series)Read Part I HereSo, how do Logical (Facts & Figures) People and Emotional (Achy/Breaky) People work with each other personally or professionally? 

• Remember that you both have different ways of looking at things, and neither is right or wrong – they’re just different. That alone will get you further down the path of resolution.  
• Pay attention to how the other side sees the issue. You don’t have to agree, but you do need to sincerely acknowledge it. Each party’s concerns/interests are his or hers; they’re not ridiculous or worthless. Respect them, though you may oppose them.

Cheat Sheet for the Facts & Figures (“F&F”) Person: 

• Stop and listen to what the other person is saying. It’s hard, but try to actually hear what the other party is saying – pretend it’s a complicated, but intriguing algorithm. Try to repeat back to her what she said (which may be difficult - be patient!). Give the conversation a chance to progress before you jump into the crux of your logistics (actual figures). Let the other person know that you can understand and respect her point of view, even if you disagree with it. “Emotion based” people need to be heard and validated – it’s everything.  
• Let your proposal breathe. Remember, an Achy/Breaky (“A/B”) person has to feel like her comments have moved you, literally and figuratively. So, your ultimate position needs to “reflect” her emotions. No need for extremes here, just don’t figure out the entire problem on your own then throw out a “take it or leave it” position. Give her interests and concerns due consideration. Engage in dialogue; allow your numbers to be flexible in light of the A/B’s emotions-based counter proposals. If you process her reasoning with the same determination as you devised your proposal, you may be pleasantly surprised at the result.  
• Stop with the “I’ll call my lawyer‼” Give the situation a chance; listen, dialogue, validate the other side’s reasoning, if not her offer. If resolution is impossible, then tell her what your next move is – (especially since you have already calculated the win/loss ratio) – don’t waste threats. Threats intimidate an Achy/Breaky person (it’s personal, not just business), and ruin any chance to informally resolve the dispute. Threatening to go to court is a “be careful what you wish for” kind of problem – what you may get from a judge could be far worse than what you might have gotten by continuing informal dialogue. Clinging to your facts and figures may ultimately cost you much more money, time, and energy. Finally, when Achy/Breaky threatens to go to court, don’t recalibrate. Until she really does, you still have a chance to resolve the conflict. Remember, A/B’s deal in emotions – hitting the panic button is reflexive. Whatever emotion they are communicating is most likely a knee jerk reaction to the “logic” you have tossed onto the negotiating table. Inhale…Exhale...Repeat.

In the final section, we offer suggestions for the Achy/Breaky Person to positively engage in disputes with Facts & Figures People.Contiue to Part III: Cheet Sheet for Achy/Breaky People

Resolving Disputes When Logic Collides with Emotion

(Part I of a Three Part Series)We’ve all seen the ad: the stunning model snuggled up to the nerdy, disheveled genius – and we giggle at the dichotomy. But when we deal with conflict between those of us who are “logical” and those of us who are “emotional,” it’s no laughing matter. (For this discussion, let’s focus on the stereotypically obvious, though either gender can have one or both personality traits.)“Facts & Figures” People (“F&F”) revels in his verifiable, tangible data. For him, emotion is secondary; he’s tabulated the correct value of the inheritance, quantified the relevant ratios of a business deal, or the tax ramifications of taking the house in a divorce. To him, his calculations are irrefutable; to question his numbers is to question his integrity, to disrespect his intelligence.“Achy/Breaky’” People (“A/B”) on the other hand, are emotional - feelings based; the numbers be damned – the issue is what’s right or what’s fair. To her, the house isn’t an “asset” – it’s home, pseudosacred – an integral part of her world. To award the house to the other spouse or to suggest its sale is an outrage – it’s wrong. To reject an A/B person’s proposal is to reject her (or him). Usually, the A/B person’s demand is unreasonably high – and I guarantee it’s outside the scope of what F&F has considered. This is because the numbers don’t really matter: it’s what she feels she is owed – at least in her opinion.The problem arises when these two people must interact – as a couple, co-workers, or as employer/employee. Facts & Figures people don’t have time for emotional silliness. They know that in a business deal, workplace dispute or lawsuit, somebody pays or gets paid; they’ve figured out their chances of success or failure, and just want to get on with the business of the bottom line – which means - the numbers that they have already crunched; end of discussion.Achy/Breaky people on the other hand, aren’t sure what they want as a conflict outcome – it depends upon how they feel at the moment: if they’ve been cut out of the will, they feel abandoned, insecure – so, they feel entitled to what whatever they need. If their spouse left them for another, they may be angry and frightened for their financial future. They deserve to be justly compensated for the years of selfless devotion to that miserable soon-to-be ex-spouse. If the boss has given someone else the profitable new project, the A/B person needs vindication. Think of it as “comfort resolution,” – kind of like a warm gooey brownie and a glass of milk at 10pm…In part II, we offer suggestions for the Facts and Figures Person to move forward productively in a dispute with an Achy/Breaky person.Continue to Part II: Cheet Sheet for Facts and Figures Person

Can Mediation Help Oprah Guest?

Imagine being the victim of a horrible act of violence. Watch this short segment of the Oprah show and put yourself in Carolyn Thomas’s place. Now imagine sitting in the same room and talking to the man responsible. Would you want to be a participant in this mediation?  When Carolyn refers to “mediation,” she is actually talking about a very specialized practice called High Risk Victim Offender Dialogue (HRVOD). The primary distinction between HRVOD and a “typical” mediation is that in most mediations, the goal is to reach some form of agreement. There is no agreement in HRVOD. The keyword in this process is dialogue. HRVOD is a process that gives victims the opportunity to ask their offenders tough, focused questions with the goals of achieving closure. Unlike the legal system, HRVOD gives victims a voice. One of the most fundamental aspects of HRVOD is the recognition that when offenders are prosecuted for a crime, that crime is against the state or the government – not against the victim. The intention of the court system is to protect the actual victim as much as possible. The problem is that it greatly reduces the victim’s say in the process. Victims rarely have the opportunity to ask questions or recommend actions. This segment began with one of Oprah’s producers interviewing the offender and asking what he remembered and why it happened. He blamed the incident on a Black & Mild, a type of cigar, that he claimed to be laced with another drug. After hearing this and considering that Carolyn wants to talk to him in a mediation, Oprah’s obvious question, is, “What is there to learn from him?” Many in the audience thought, “You already heard that he blamed everything on a cheap cigar laced with something that made him black out. What else is there to know?” Based on this information, the offender hasn’t fully accepted responsibilities for his actions. What is so different and special about mediation that will help Carolyn heal? Simply put, the difference is confidentiality. You won’t see the follow-up segment with Carolyn, the mediator and the producer on the next Oprah Show. If the mediator is doing her job, she has already sat down with both people and discussed the incident in great detail with the promise of complete confidentiality. This makes a difference because Mr. Kelly is more likely to be open and honest with Carolyn in a mediation than he will be in front of cameras, bringing a large viewing audience into the conversation. In HRVOD cases, the mediators engage in extensive interviews and want to make sure that the offender expresses remorse and accepts responsibility for his actions before they will consider putting him in the room with his victim. Re-victimizing is a huge concern to practitioners in these cases. Knowing the information that mediators are looking for and that the mediation is going forward suggests that Mr. Kelly has given more information than “the cigar made me do it.” The most interesting thing about this type of process is that the victim will have an opportunity to both hear and be heard. She can tell him how his actions have impacted her life, and in turn, she will be able to ask the questions that have been on her mind for the last six years. She will find her voice.