conflict

COVID-19 and Familiy Tension

Social distancing and self-isolation amid the COVID-19 pandemic put pressures on family dynamics and communication. This is normal for any group of people contained in an area for an extended periord of time. Here are some tips to help your family navigate some tense moments, disagreements, and arguments. These don’t constitute a magic wand. They require focus, effort and practice.

Acceptance: The first thing to take note of is that tension and arguments will take place. Don’t be surprised that it happens to you and your family. Disputes are natural; if we didn’t have them, then there would be no progress, innovation, growth or invention. We’d all think alike and be boring. So, just know that things will get difficult at times. Luckily, though, you can mitigate the impact.

Clenan Up: In a time when control of our daily lives is in question, cleaning rooms gives us some sense of control. Not to mention it is nice to have a clean house (or even a few rooms). We cleaned the kitchen the other day, arranged small appliances, etc. and got a feeling of accomplishment. It affected how we view our daily lives in isolation. This was a bit difficult with the 2yr old running around, but it was worth it. It gave us a boost and made time go by a bit quicker. And, it’s clean!

Don’t Escalate: When an argument starts to get heated, chances are it will continue to heat up. This can lead to escalation. The goal at this point should be to find ways not to make things worse.

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Go over the Five Pillars of Conflict

  1. Position and Interest: This is finely illustrated during presidential debates. How many times have the candidates been asked a question and they never answer it? They either talk about their record, the other candidates, or something totally different. They are positioning themselves to “win” an argument; not to address the question or interest behind the question. Same goes with all of us. We tend to focus on winning rather than addressing the concern.

    Take a step back and look at the situation. What is the interest—what do you want? What do they want? Why do you/they want it? The why is the interest, the position is what do I want and how am I going to get it? It may sound simple, but in the heat of disagreement things gets cloudy.

  2. Remove Toxicity: Obvious examples of toxicity are yelling, cursing, and insults. But other little things can create a toxic environment, which can only add to the tension. Passive aggressive behavior (refusing requests, procrastination, stubbornness), sarcasm, getting the “last word”, and what I call parting jabs (those quick mutterings that are designed to get under their skin) are also examples of toxicity. Most of these come on the edge of emotions and depart from the substance of disagreement.

  3. Don’t Assign Mmotivation:  (This pillar is especially strong when it comes to online communication. So much is lost, or not included, in texts, emails, even video-conferencing).

    A common factor underlying arguments is the unknown; “why did they say that?”,  “why did they do that?”  Our natural instinct is to fill that unknown void, and if we don’t know the actual answer, we’ll make it up. During an argument or disagreement, these made up answers for why someone did/said something alter your perception of the situation and can make a foggy situation worse. So, don’t assume you know the reasons for ohters’ behavior. While not knowing is less than ideal, assuming you know just makes matters worse

  4. Separate Person from Problem: A big one. Often, the person becomes the focus of an argument and not the problem—“you always do this”, “you’re not even listening”. Not only does this escalate the tension AND entrench positions AND ignore the interests, it drives a wedge between you and them, possibly a permanent one. When you sense yourself starting to look at the person in a different light, stop and refocus. When they do it, kindly move the conversation back to the issues (“We can talk about me later. Let’s get to the issue”).

  5. Intent and Impact: Ties in with assigning motivation, but in a way, the reverse. We don’t know why someone did/said something, but we know how we are impacted. Yet, they may not know how we are impacted. If the impact is not communicated (or if it’s dismissed), then tension can increase. So, keep in mind that if something impacts you in one way, it may not have been the intention. And if you intend something, know that it may have a different impact.

Relieve the current status/tension:  Get out of the situation. Go for a walk or a quick jog. Try to release your tension in a safe way. Clear your head. Get out of the oppositional space.

Communicate that you’re stressed: But don’t just walk out.  Inform the other person that you’re stressed and getting upset. “I need to take a walk for a bit. I’ll be right back.”  Or, if that is not possible, “Ok, timeout. I need to calm down. Please give me a little while.”  Maybe take time now to agree upon a “safe word” first (before arguments) When you’ve calmed down, cleared your head, and shifted attitude. When things get heated, use the safe word so that both/all parties understand that a break is needed.

Don’t judge emotions:  “No reason to get angry” is dismissive and minimizes someone’s emotions. There may be plenty to get angry about and no one knows how you feel except you. Emotions are neither right nor wrong; they just exist. They should not be suppressed or evaluated, yet they can be acknowledged and managed. Pay attention to their emtions and yours. Be honest with yourself, at least, and realize when emotions are being neglected.

Apologize: An apology can go a long way. Apology for being wrong, for making someone angry or sad, for getting angry, for yelling. Just saying “I’m sorry” may be ok, but clarify why you are sorry. “I’m sorry for yelling at you. I just got angry and didn’t mean what I said.” No blaming

Blame game: Don’t be like the politicians. Blaming just escalates. Sure, someone may be at fault, but how does blaming them get you anywhere? Learn from the mistake.

Seek to understand your emotions: What agitated you? Is it something serious? The way someone said something? Or was it something earlier that just keeps popping up?

Seek to understand their emotions: This may come a bit later because they might not understand their emotions. Then again, in the moment it could be useful to convey empathy and allow others to vent. They could be frustrated because you’re not noticing (or even dismissing) their emotions. Don’t push it and say something like, “I want to understand your emotions, what are they?” Be mindful about how they’re reacting or pushing for something.

Hopefully, these tips can help you navigate home-based difficulties during this difficult time. Be safe. Be kind. Be patient.

Six Factors That Can Make Matters Worse

We all face some form of conflict every day. From navigating traffic to deciding what to watch on TV after a long day. Most of these are "flash-pan" conflicts that are usually forgotten in minutes and ostensibly have no bearing on our lives.  Unfortunately, conflicts do not exist in a vacuum; many factors can affect our conflicts thereby increasing their affects on us and others. Like a snowball rolling down a mountain gathering more snow, increasing its size and momentum, a conflict can grow with the addition of several small influences until it demands attention.When conflicts arrive to this point, management, resolution, or reconciliation should be sought to prevent further damage. These efforts are reactionary, and as such (ironically) require a conflict for their application.  But what about addressing conflict situations before they gather momentum? What are those small influences that engorge a conflict?  Let's take a look at six factors that can make matters worse and what their influences can be. In doing so, we can shed some light on how you can take steps to nip conflict escalation in the bud.

  1. Communication
  2. Trust
  3. Emotion
  4. Relationship
  5. Context
  6. Anticipation

First up: Communication ------------------------------------

Six Factors That Can Make Matters Worse: Communication

First and foremost is Communication. This may seem obvious, but the devil lay in the details.  Communication is more than a relay of information. Many things impact communication:
  • Choice of words
  •  Volume
  • Proximity
  • Sarcasm
  • Language, culture, nationality, etc
  • Medium (letter, email, in person, etc)
  • External noises
  • Social media (facebook, twitter, reddit, etc)
  • Body language
  • Relationship with other party
  • and Listening (more specifically, Active Listening)

Active Listening signals that the listener is actually listening.  Rephrasing is a method of active listening and is much more effective than saying, "I'm listening".   Most, if not all, conflicts can be attributed to some degree of communication issues.  The basic problem is that we automatically assume we understand what the other is saying, why they are saying it, and what it all means. With the speed of communication these days we spend less time listening and, therefore, do not fully understand the information relayed…but we think we do.Communication has its own importance, but it also extends to the next influence on conflicts: Trust

Six Factors That Can Make Matters Worse: Trust

Trust is easy to lose and difficult to gain.  Regaining trust is even more difficult. Mistakes in communication can chip away at trust and trust building. Once trust is tarnished, conflicts see barren terrain through which to run wild. Escalation soars with mistrust. Some say there are many levels of trust: you trust the banker to actually deposit your check, and you trust the babysitter with your child.  Without trust, openness, communication and patience have difficulty gaining purchase, and problems can grow quickly.  Politics is a great venue for us to witness how the lack of trust affects communication and problem solving.  Political ad campaigns, online opinion blogs, television "news" and even Congress exemplify the obstacles that mistrust erects and the tensions it increases.Next: Emotion -------------------

Six Factors That Can Make Matters Worse: Emotion

Emotion is the known-unknown influence. We know emotions are always involved in conflict. Just which emotions, and how strong they are, is difficult to actually calculate.  This is where communication and trust can help. When emotions are involved, they can override the controls that gauge communication and trust. Open communication and strong trust help manage emotions and understand where they originate, as well as not letting them escalate the conflict further.Emotions can be confusing.  Actions are different from emotions, but they can look the same. Venting, a valuable human technique, can be conflated with focused anger. Silence is sometimes seen as acceptance or indifference.  And so on.  The only way to understand which actions are emotional, and which emotions are present is to talk about them, which requires trust and communication.Next up: Relationship -----------------

Six Factors That Can Make Matters Worse: Relationship

If someone in traffic yells a barrage of obscenities at you, you may get angry, chalk it up to that person being a so-and-so, and go on with your day.  But if your spouse yells at you, then you may feel differently. The difference is the Relationship you have with the stranger (none) and your spouse (intimate).  The more intimate a relationship, the more personal a conflict become is to you. Those close to you can cause greater harm, and you can harm them just as much.Conflicts with those who are close can be volatile and complex, and cause long term damage.  The relationship itself can persuade people not to address problems fearing that they may hurt each other.  This is a common and understandable approach, but can ultimately be damaging.  It is important to note that all of the factors listed here intertwine, and relationships require first and foremost trust and communication.Up Next: Context  --------------

Six Factors That Can Make Matters Worse: Context

Even when you can recognize and manage these influences effectively, there is still the issue of Context.  We are all connected to a complex world.  Situations are rarely, if ever, independent.  Influences on situations can be large, small, obvious or covert. A customer yelling at a waiter for dropping a drink may not realize that the waiter just burned his hand on the hot plate in back. Meanwhile, the waiter may not know that the customer just received bad news about their sick grandparent. The context plays a big role in their behaviors, and the reception of the other's behavior.Sometimes there is a wrong time and place to address a conflict and no amount of communication or trust can improve it. Timing is the least tangible influence on conflict, because it's more of a feeling or intuition rather than an external signal, while place is a bit more straightforward.  A simple example would be a manager instructing an employee in front of customers. Probably not the best time or place to do that, but other situations are less obvious and more delicate.Lastly: Anticipation  -------------------

Avoiding Family Conflict During the Holidays

Avoiding Family Conflict During the Holidays

Happy Holidays are not always so happy. You might actually be dreading a potential conflict or confrontation with a family member you have not seen since last December.  The anticipation of such conflict might even cause you stress. Getting together with your family can be an opportunity for tension to arise and disputes to erupt. This just adds to the anxiety already associated with the Holiday season—shopping, travel, traffic, endless Santa commercials, Black Friday, “seasonal” music, and so on.Tensions exist. Everyone in your family is different, and those differences make them unique.  Disagreements do not go away if ignored and can come up at inopportune times—like holidays.  Understanding several factors that enhance tensions and differences is the first step to ease the holiday stress.

  • Anticipation: Keep in mind that anticipation for an event is usually worse than the event itself. Have you ever dreaded a situation, but then afterwards realized, "well, that wasn't bad"?  The dread we feel weeks leading up to the family meeting just adds fuel to an unlit fire. Keep in mind that other family members may be experiencing the same dread.  One small spark can ignite a firestorm.
  • Acknowledgment: Since not thinking about it is not an option, nor a wise choice, we move to the next best thing: acknowledgment. Understand that, yes, there will be rough moments...this should not be surprising…and that you can be prepared to manage them effectively, if not efficiently.
  • Salience of Tension: Anticipation helps increase the strength of tense situations. That is, dreading the “question”, or the “speech” that some family member will inevitably bring up only makes the question/speech worse than it really is.  We've built it up in our minds.  And we deal with this anticipation in addition to our normal lives and the stress therein (work, friends, neighbors, etc.), which adds to the worry, which in turn worsens the situation.
  • Separate the situation from the person. This is not easy, but it helps.  We tend to attack the messenger, and not address the message. Yelling or snapping at someone does not help, and actually can make things worse. Keeping in mind the previous two aspects helps this separation. Maybe somebody verbally attacks you--resist the urge to return the favor.
  • Understand that not everyone will agree with what you say, think, believe, feel and do. Convincing them can be an exercise in futility, and probably would not change things anyway.
  • No Judging: Leave judgment in the car. Just as you have your own motives, so, too, others have theirs. If you do not like the way a family member lives that is fine—and that does not mean they are wrong.  Telling someone he/she is wrong will be met with defense, which can turn to offense. And the back and forth ensues.
  • Truth: A little bit of soft honesty can go a long way. Honesty about yourself, and not other people.  If you are uncomfortable talking about something, then say so…and give a little bit of an honest explanation to help others understand what you mean.
  • Confrontation: The Holiday season is no time to initiate confrontation. If you would like to confront someone, wait until later. If someone confronts you, say you understand and will talk about it later. There is simply too much stress to address disputes constructively during Holidays.  Maybe agree on a time/place after the holidays to talk things over. But, don't use this as an excuse to not talk about it.  This will only make next year worse.

Some issues cannot be resolved. Others may take time.  This is no magic wand cure all, but with just a little bit of effort, understanding and patience (and maybe a touch of acceptance) can turn that holiday nightmare into an enjoyable time.