Resolving Disputes When Logic Collides with Emotion (Part III)

(Part III of a Three Part Series)Return to Part IISo, what can the Achy Breaky (“A/B”) person do to deal with someone who can’t get out of the way of their own calculations?Cheat Sheet for the Achy/Breaky Person

• Get your facts straight before wailing and keening. Before diving into conflict (legal/domestic/employment), figure out your best/worst case scenarios. Talk with an attorney, CPA, or investment advisor – get the real story. So when Mr. Facts & Figures (“F&F”) brings his numbers game to the table, you have cards to play; rationally evaluate his proposal based upon your own research.    
• Take a breath, then make a practical offer. Just like you don’t shop when you’re hungry, don’t make proposals based upon how you feel at a particular moment. If you do, at best, you confirm his opinion that you’re a basket case – at worst, you lose credibility, confirming that F&F is better off taking his already calculated chances in court. He’ll respond more positively to a realistic proposal, but he’ll still question your offer- So what?  
• F& F isn’t rejecting you – He’s getting his head around your figures and how you arrived at them. When he offers a counter proposal, (a salary figure, a purchase price, a personal injury settlement offer), ask him to explain how he arrived at the figure, so you know where he’s coming from. Trust, but verify them with your professional.  Let F&F explain his logic – Listen and try to hear what he is saying. Try to repeat back what was said (it may be difficult, so be patient!). “Facts & Figures” people also need to be heard and validated – it’s everything.  
• No Yelling for “Judge Judy.” Give the situation a chance; listen, dialogue, validate the other side’s reasoning, if not his actual proposals. If resolution is impossible, then tell Mr. F&F what you’re going to do – don’t waste emotion on threats - a Facts & Figures guy already knows his chances in court. Besides, threatening to go to court is a “be careful what you wish for” kind of problem for you too – what you may receive from a judge financially, may never make up for what you might lose emotionally (increased hostility, new financial fears, grief over a lost opportunity). Clinging to your emotionally driven offer may ultimately cost you more money, time, and energy. Finally, when a Facts & Figures person threatens to go to court, don’t panic. Use his F&F mentality to your advantage: you know he has already penciled out his chances of winning/losing. So, until he really files, he’s still open to informal resolution. Remember, he deals in numbers – it’s his Woobie security blanket. Inhale….Exhale….Repeat.

So, whether you’re a logic person, or an emotions person; each side needs to be heard, understood and acknowledged in a dispute. Each needs to be a part of the decision making process, even if the ultimate decision is not what he/she envisioned. People who can honestly listen, remain open and respectful to the other side’s concerns and interests, and give good faith effort to mutually resolving a situation - can resolve it in spite of their differences.

Resolving Disputes When Logic Collides with Emotion (Part II)

(Part II of a Three Part Series)Read Part I HereSo, how do Logical (Facts & Figures) People and Emotional (Achy/Breaky) People work with each other personally or professionally? 

• Remember that you both have different ways of looking at things, and neither is right or wrong – they’re just different. That alone will get you further down the path of resolution.  
• Pay attention to how the other side sees the issue. You don’t have to agree, but you do need to sincerely acknowledge it. Each party’s concerns/interests are his or hers; they’re not ridiculous or worthless. Respect them, though you may oppose them.

Cheat Sheet for the Facts & Figures (“F&F”) Person: 

• Stop and listen to what the other person is saying. It’s hard, but try to actually hear what the other party is saying – pretend it’s a complicated, but intriguing algorithm. Try to repeat back to her what she said (which may be difficult - be patient!). Give the conversation a chance to progress before you jump into the crux of your logistics (actual figures). Let the other person know that you can understand and respect her point of view, even if you disagree with it. “Emotion based” people need to be heard and validated – it’s everything.  
• Let your proposal breathe. Remember, an Achy/Breaky (“A/B”) person has to feel like her comments have moved you, literally and figuratively. So, your ultimate position needs to “reflect” her emotions. No need for extremes here, just don’t figure out the entire problem on your own then throw out a “take it or leave it” position. Give her interests and concerns due consideration. Engage in dialogue; allow your numbers to be flexible in light of the A/B’s emotions-based counter proposals. If you process her reasoning with the same determination as you devised your proposal, you may be pleasantly surprised at the result.  
• Stop with the “I’ll call my lawyer‼” Give the situation a chance; listen, dialogue, validate the other side’s reasoning, if not her offer. If resolution is impossible, then tell her what your next move is – (especially since you have already calculated the win/loss ratio) – don’t waste threats. Threats intimidate an Achy/Breaky person (it’s personal, not just business), and ruin any chance to informally resolve the dispute. Threatening to go to court is a “be careful what you wish for” kind of problem – what you may get from a judge could be far worse than what you might have gotten by continuing informal dialogue. Clinging to your facts and figures may ultimately cost you much more money, time, and energy. Finally, when Achy/Breaky threatens to go to court, don’t recalibrate. Until she really does, you still have a chance to resolve the conflict. Remember, A/B’s deal in emotions – hitting the panic button is reflexive. Whatever emotion they are communicating is most likely a knee jerk reaction to the “logic” you have tossed onto the negotiating table. Inhale…Exhale...Repeat.

In the final section, we offer suggestions for the Achy/Breaky Person to positively engage in disputes with Facts & Figures People.Contiue to Part III: Cheet Sheet for Achy/Breaky People

Resolving Disputes When Logic Collides with Emotion

(Part I of a Three Part Series)We’ve all seen the ad: the stunning model snuggled up to the nerdy, disheveled genius – and we giggle at the dichotomy. But when we deal with conflict between those of us who are “logical” and those of us who are “emotional,” it’s no laughing matter. (For this discussion, let’s focus on the stereotypically obvious, though either gender can have one or both personality traits.)“Facts & Figures” People (“F&F”) revels in his verifiable, tangible data. For him, emotion is secondary; he’s tabulated the correct value of the inheritance, quantified the relevant ratios of a business deal, or the tax ramifications of taking the house in a divorce. To him, his calculations are irrefutable; to question his numbers is to question his integrity, to disrespect his intelligence.“Achy/Breaky’” People (“A/B”) on the other hand, are emotional - feelings based; the numbers be damned – the issue is what’s right or what’s fair. To her, the house isn’t an “asset” – it’s home, pseudosacred – an integral part of her world. To award the house to the other spouse or to suggest its sale is an outrage – it’s wrong. To reject an A/B person’s proposal is to reject her (or him). Usually, the A/B person’s demand is unreasonably high – and I guarantee it’s outside the scope of what F&F has considered. This is because the numbers don’t really matter: it’s what she feels she is owed – at least in her opinion.The problem arises when these two people must interact – as a couple, co-workers, or as employer/employee. Facts & Figures people don’t have time for emotional silliness. They know that in a business deal, workplace dispute or lawsuit, somebody pays or gets paid; they’ve figured out their chances of success or failure, and just want to get on with the business of the bottom line – which means - the numbers that they have already crunched; end of discussion.Achy/Breaky people on the other hand, aren’t sure what they want as a conflict outcome – it depends upon how they feel at the moment: if they’ve been cut out of the will, they feel abandoned, insecure – so, they feel entitled to what whatever they need. If their spouse left them for another, they may be angry and frightened for their financial future. They deserve to be justly compensated for the years of selfless devotion to that miserable soon-to-be ex-spouse. If the boss has given someone else the profitable new project, the A/B person needs vindication. Think of it as “comfort resolution,” – kind of like a warm gooey brownie and a glass of milk at 10pm…In part II, we offer suggestions for the Facts and Figures Person to move forward productively in a dispute with an Achy/Breaky person.Continue to Part II: Cheet Sheet for Facts and Figures Person