Social distancing and self-isolation amid the COVID-19 pandemic put pressures on family dynamics and communication. This is normal for any group of people contained in an area for an extended periord of time. Here are some tips to help your family navigate some tense moments, disagreements, and arguments. These don’t constitute a magic wand. They require focus, effort and practice.
Acceptance: The first thing to take note of is that tension and arguments will take place. Don’t be surprised that it happens to you and your family. Disputes are natural; if we didn’t have them, then there would be no progress, innovation, growth or invention. We’d all think alike and be boring. So, just know that things will get difficult at times. Luckily, though, you can mitigate the impact.
Clenan Up: In a time when control of our daily lives is in question, cleaning rooms gives us some sense of control. Not to mention it is nice to have a clean house (or even a few rooms). We cleaned the kitchen the other day, arranged small appliances, etc. and got a feeling of accomplishment. It affected how we view our daily lives in isolation. This was a bit difficult with the 2yr old running around, but it was worth it. It gave us a boost and made time go by a bit quicker. And, it’s clean!
Don’t Escalate: When an argument starts to get heated, chances are it will continue to heat up. This can lead to escalation. The goal at this point should be to find ways not to make things worse.
Go over the Five Pillars of Conflict
Position and Interest: This is finely illustrated during presidential debates. How many times have the candidates been asked a question and they never answer it? They either talk about their record, the other candidates, or something totally different. They are positioning themselves to “win” an argument; not to address the question or interest behind the question. Same goes with all of us. We tend to focus on winning rather than addressing the concern.
Take a step back and look at the situation. What is the interest—what do you want? What do they want? Why do you/they want it? The why is the interest, the position is what do I want and how am I going to get it? It may sound simple, but in the heat of disagreement things gets cloudy.
Remove Toxicity: Obvious examples of toxicity are yelling, cursing, and insults. But other little things can create a toxic environment, which can only add to the tension. Passive aggressive behavior (refusing requests, procrastination, stubbornness), sarcasm, getting the “last word”, and what I call parting jabs (those quick mutterings that are designed to get under their skin) are also examples of toxicity. Most of these come on the edge of emotions and depart from the substance of disagreement.
Don’t Assign Mmotivation: (This pillar is especially strong when it comes to online communication. So much is lost, or not included, in texts, emails, even video-conferencing).
A common factor underlying arguments is the unknown; “why did they say that?”, “why did they do that?” Our natural instinct is to fill that unknown void, and if we don’t know the actual answer, we’ll make it up. During an argument or disagreement, these made up answers for why someone did/said something alter your perception of the situation and can make a foggy situation worse. So, don’t assume you know the reasons for ohters’ behavior. While not knowing is less than ideal, assuming you know just makes matters worse
Separate Person from Problem: A big one. Often, the person becomes the focus of an argument and not the problem—“you always do this”, “you’re not even listening”. Not only does this escalate the tension AND entrench positions AND ignore the interests, it drives a wedge between you and them, possibly a permanent one. When you sense yourself starting to look at the person in a different light, stop and refocus. When they do it, kindly move the conversation back to the issues (“We can talk about me later. Let’s get to the issue”).
Intent and Impact: Ties in with assigning motivation, but in a way, the reverse. We don’t know why someone did/said something, but we know how we are impacted. Yet, they may not know how we are impacted. If the impact is not communicated (or if it’s dismissed), then tension can increase. So, keep in mind that if something impacts you in one way, it may not have been the intention. And if you intend something, know that it may have a different impact.
Relieve the current status/tension: Get out of the situation. Go for a walk or a quick jog. Try to release your tension in a safe way. Clear your head. Get out of the oppositional space.
Communicate that you’re stressed: But don’t just walk out. Inform the other person that you’re stressed and getting upset. “I need to take a walk for a bit. I’ll be right back.” Or, if that is not possible, “Ok, timeout. I need to calm down. Please give me a little while.” Maybe take time now to agree upon a “safe word” first (before arguments) When you’ve calmed down, cleared your head, and shifted attitude. When things get heated, use the safe word so that both/all parties understand that a break is needed.
Don’t judge emotions: “No reason to get angry” is dismissive and minimizes someone’s emotions. There may be plenty to get angry about and no one knows how you feel except you. Emotions are neither right nor wrong; they just exist. They should not be suppressed or evaluated, yet they can be acknowledged and managed. Pay attention to their emtions and yours. Be honest with yourself, at least, and realize when emotions are being neglected.
Apologize: An apology can go a long way. Apology for being wrong, for making someone angry or sad, for getting angry, for yelling. Just saying “I’m sorry” may be ok, but clarify why you are sorry. “I’m sorry for yelling at you. I just got angry and didn’t mean what I said.” No blaming
Blame game: Don’t be like the politicians. Blaming just escalates. Sure, someone may be at fault, but how does blaming them get you anywhere? Learn from the mistake.
Seek to understand your emotions: What agitated you? Is it something serious? The way someone said something? Or was it something earlier that just keeps popping up?
Seek to understand their emotions: This may come a bit later because they might not understand their emotions. Then again, in the moment it could be useful to convey empathy and allow others to vent. They could be frustrated because you’re not noticing (or even dismissing) their emotions. Don’t push it and say something like, “I want to understand your emotions, what are they?” Be mindful about how they’re reacting or pushing for something.
Hopefully, these tips can help you navigate home-based difficulties during this difficult time. Be safe. Be kind. Be patient.