3 Crucial Considerations for Living Arrangements When Separating

You are likely going through one of the most stressful times of your life. Separation and divorce can be an emotionally tough situation filled with sadness, loss, fear, and anxiety. Often the first bridge you and your partner will cross will be living arrangements and crossing that could be a bridge you never took into consideration. Unsurprisingly, living arrangements can be an extremely difficult discussion to resolve. A marital home is usually a couple’s most valuable financial asset, and as such, is a strong focus of litigation. Before beginning the actual process of divorce, speak with your partner and consider where you, your partner, and your children if you have them, will live. Devise a plan with this information, create a list of expenditures and a budget around all of the shared expenses, and be transparent when it comes to your finances. Clearly state who will pay what and keep track of all of your spending, personal or otherwise. Make sure you go over these on a regular basis. These are challenging matters of discussion and if you find you’d like the help of a conflict resolution specialist, please feel free to contact us.

Now, when it comes to where you will live, here are three things you should consider before the uncoupling process is in full swing:

1. Who Keeps the House?

   The marital home is often the desired location as it provides familiarity and a sense of stability during turbulent times. For parents with children, this could also be a serious consideration as neighbors and playmates can provide an excellent source of comfort support. Ultimately, when it all comes down to it, financial reality can be the determining factor in who retains the marital home. If either parent is unable to assume a mortgage with just one income, this can create some complications (pre-qualifying for a loan is an excellent strategy for divorce negotiations). Make sure that the list of expenditures you created is detailed and includes utilities, maintenance, insurance, even possible future repairs that might arise down the road i.e. a new roof or new water heater. There is always the option of continuing to own the home jointly, but you should carefully consider whether or not you want to remain financially attached to your former spouse.
   

2. Who Moves Out?

   For some people, the idea of relocating and starting over with a clean slate can be a more appealing option. However, a spouse who typically covered all of the household bills should expect to continue paying many of the household expenses, including the mortgage and insurance payments.  This could be problematic if the person moving out was the spouse who took care of these finances to being with. In these circumstances, renting is usually the most ideal option as having two mortgages might be a financial impossibility. Plus, renting could free up cash flow for other priorities, and maintenance emergencies will be someone else’s responsibility. Naturally, if children are involved, you will want to find a place that is accommodating to their needs as well.
   

3. Do We Stick it Out?

   Financially, some people simply cannot afford to support a second household. For couples experiencing a battleground in their household, this could be a less than desirable situation, however, temporarily speaking, this might be the most reasonable option. Some parents might want to preserve the family unit for the sake of their children. Figuring out how to amicably cohabitate will be a challenge. In this case, it would be wise to set ground rules as if though you were moving in with a new roommate and it is important to understand the importance of civil communication (even if communication is minimal). Focus on the fact that this is temporary and that all things must pass.

Every relationship and divorce is unique and different. What works for one separating couple might not work for another. Consider every one of your options carefully by weighing all of the financial, practical, and emotional aspects and be sure to ask yourselves the hard questions.  If spouses can’t agree on a separation agreement they will wind up in court where a judge will determine how the property is divided. This is one of the benefits of going to mediation versus going to attorneys. Even if you mediate, you still have to deal with the appropriate court procedures but the mediation process can allow you to filter through some of your emotions with the hopes of working through the fog so you can make rational decisions. It allows you to think about what is and is not important. What things are worth negotiating and what things are worth giving in to, in the interest of moving on. It also allows for a more collaborative process of negotiation rather than digging your heels in and fighting for everything. Getting through the confusion and turmoil of a divorce may be easier if you are better informed about the process before it begins. 

We understand that you and your spouse are not experts when it comes to uncoupling and that these conflicts can be extremely painful and exhausting. At this stage, it could be beneficial to bring in a third party with the experience to help you both maintain control and negotiate a more mindful way of moving on to a peaceful resolution. Contact us today.

Thinking Divorce? A Mediator Can Help

According to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, 50% of first marriages, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. As bad as it is for first marriages, it seems lessons are not learned. Childlessness is cited as a common cause, but often it is problems with children, in-laws, finances, and the commonly used escape clause incompatibility that are reasons for divorce. A good many divorces might be prevented if couples considered mediation prior to applying for divorce.

Mediation is not marriage counseling or “treatment” of some sort. Mediation is allowing a third party neutral to disputes to hear both sides and enable them to better understand each other. Typically, it is the lack of communication and the avoidance of the difficult conversation that is the root cause of divorce. If you are thinking of divorce, you may have other options before contacting a divorce attorney.

I Want Custody of My Children

I recently spoke to a client who said, “My ex is gonna freak when I tell her I want custody of our child.” This client was focused on the idea that the word “custody” implies – ownership of the child. Many people falsely believe that they’re fighting over possession of their children and the “custody” word tends to increase tensions. This client simply wanted a parenting plan that accurately represents the current situation.In Colorado law, the language around custody agreements has shifted to better reflect the realities of the conversation. We now refer mostly to parenting plans and parenting time. While you are still negotiating who has the children the majority of the time, as well as decision making responsibilities, the conversation doesn’t have to be as tense as people often assume it will be.If your ex is going to freak out because you want custody, the first step is to shift your language to say you want to modify parenting time.If you need help talking to your ex about any of these issues, a mediator can help keep the conversation focused and productive. 

Why Mediate Divorce? How a Mediator Can Help During Your Divorce.

It's a fact; divorce is one of the most stressful situations you can go through in your lifetime.Yet you may choose to make it an even more difficult and costly experience for yourself by paying attorneys copious amounts of money to fight a extended and painful battle.If your children are involved this path can be an even more stressful situation.There are circumstances where the court and litigation process is the right one but even then mediation is often a viable, and sometimes required, option to work out part of the agreement leaving only the unresolved issues to the attorneys and the courts.And most certainly where there are children involved it is often in their best interest for their parents to design a parenting agreement that puts the children first. A parenting plan should be born out of compassion and care for the children’s future rather than one that is based on acrimony and winning the battle.Separating couples often go through the divorce or separation process trying to win a battle of the past relationship rather than thinking about what's best for them and their children’s future.It would seem that the intelligent and thoughtful way to move forward and get on with one's life is often through the mediation process.The mediation process empowers the involved parties to have a say so in their divorce or separation rather than have a decision imposed on them by the court.Lower cost, less stress and more meaningful agreements are some of the direct benefits of mediation.

Can a Mediator Help a Couple Stay Together

Yes, a mediator can help a couple who is trying to stay together. Divorce converstaions can be difficult. You may  often avoid conversations or have a hard time bringing up the topics that will most help you and your spouse move forward.The mediators at OvalOptions can help you and your spouse have these conversations in a focused and productive way. One of our Denver mediators will help you find the way to say what you want to say in a way that the other person can understand. The service we provide is helping you have a focused, productive conversation in a neutral location.