Five Pillars of Conflict

The Five Pillars of Conflict support a conflict or dispute against attempts at understanding and resolution. Young conflicts have one or two of these. If unchecked, more pillars tend to arise. As time goes by, these pillars can become thicker and more sturdy, making it more difficult to remove them. But, it can still be done. The first step is understanding each in order to identify them as they are constructed. 

Assigning Motivation

Many times, we don’t know why somebody did, or said, something (or didn’t), yet we have a need to know. Some inner drive requires an explanation, we just can’t seem to accept “no reason”. So, we make up the reason, and may even make a game out of it. Sometimes, what we conjure up is pretty accurate. Most times, however, it is not. Creating your own narrative for someone else’s actions is bad enough, but it triggers a domino effect. It affects your view of the situation, your perception of the person, your view of that person’s future actions, and the relationship between you and them. Those are just the tip of the iceberg, too. Needless to say, Trust is damaged.

Problem from Person

A common, almost routine, misstep in problem solving and discussion. Once the focus shifts to a person and away from the problem, conflict can escalate. This comes in several forms, from name-calling to ridicule to attacking the integrity of a messenger. Yet, it’s so easy to fall into this rut and difficult to get out as it almost always creates a cycle of personal attacks. Meanwhile, the problem persists, grows, becomes more intractable.

You may find yourself taking personal offense to others’ disagreement to your belief, argument, or viewpoint. Even if they stick to the topic, you may still feel personally slighted. Separate the two internally.

Interest and Position

A position is how you argue; the interest is why you’re arguing in the first place. These aren’t easy to differentiate or identify. Usually, we take a position that we think will win an argument. Debates are built around this format in that participants try to persuade others to accept their argument. This leads to dedication to “winning” and increasingly less attention is given to the actual interest. What you want trumps why you want it. If you win an argument, do you really achieve your interest?

Loaded and Toxic Language

Ostensibly the easiest pillar to identify: Name-calling, vulgarity, personal attacks, passive aggression are a few examples. However, not-so obvious toxicity exists in abundance. Leading and loaded questions, false conclusions, lying, sarcasm, and rhetorical questions can put others on the defensive and reduce trust. A good example is in the question, “where are you going so fast?”  Well, by responding with a location, you’ve just admitted to going “so fast”.  It’s a leading question; leading you to admit something. It takes a careful eye/ear to pick up on such examples. Using such language inhibits open conversation and trust.

Intent vs. Impact

This ties into Assigning Motivation. Intent is something only one person knows. And sometimes, not even that many. We may not know why something was done or said. Knee-jerk reactions, unconscious bias, instincts, etc. can all play a part.  But there is a subtle yet important distinction between what we intend with our actions/words and how others receive them (impact). Many legal jurisdictions understand this distinction (for example, there are 3 different murder charges, plus a couple manslaughter charges, based on intent). This doesn’t mean that any impact is false or unjust—somebody accidentally killed is still dead. Any offense taken is still taken, even if none were intended. But, moving past the incident is much easier if the intent and impact are clarified and accepted.

The Miscommunication of Rapinoe's Charge

Megan Rapinoe, co-captain of the 2019 United States Women National Soccer Team (who won the World Cup, the Golden Boot, and the Golden Ball trophies), had an inspiring and interesting challenge to everyone. It’s brevity stands in sharp contrast to the time it would take to achieve its goal. Because, while it sounds like a simple challenge, in reality it is extremely difficult.

Let’s review it first: “This is my charge to everyone: We have to be better. We have to love more. Hate less. We got to listen more and talk less. It's our responsibility to make the world a better place.”

Now, let’s break it down a bit:

We have to be better —This seems to mean that we need to be better people, which means that there’s an objective standard that no one knows and everyone thinks they know. What is it to be better as a person? This is debatable, and a distraction to her point, in my opinion. What is a more digestible translation of “be better” is “to be better at” doing something, which follows in the next sentence.

We have to love more – This makes love sound like a choice, and to love a command. Call me romantic, but I don’t think love (platonic or intimate) can be assigned or controlled.  Loving more would be great, but it just isn't up to us, unless she means love ourselves more, and that has some profound implications. Maybe we lash out at others because we need to project our self-doubt on external entities. Love thyself sounds kind of ethereal and airy; but if we called it "accept ourselves--with willingness to improve", then maybe that achieves the same goal Rapinoe holds. 

We have to hate less –This isn’t the same as loving more, though. Hate is a term thrown around a lot with little understanding. Most “haters” on the Internet don’t really hate. Very few people actually hate broccoli or the New England Patriots. Hate isn’t disagreement, an aversion, a discomfort, or a distaste. It’s not even dis-like or indifference. Hate is an active, sub-conscious drive. It’s an identity cornerstone: A part of someone’s identity is driven by an internal force. Hating less is ideal; it requires insight and understanding. This is a difficult charge from her. Luckily, not many people have that inner hate energy. However, they do have a deep frustration over disagreement of values, which is often seen as hate. 

Listen more – Perhaps the most difficult charge. Listening is not the same as hearing. It requires an acceptance of a message (not necessarily agreement). It is absent of judgment and bias. It means listening to things with which you disagree, and which may even offend you, either on purpose of accidental.  It also means to keep listening and not think of a retort, or speak, or interrupt in any way. If you’re thinking or talking, then you’re not listening.  This is not easy. Active listening is a good way to ensure that you are listening, and it takes practice. Frustrating practice.

Active listening also communicates to the speaker that, yes, you actually are listening to them. How many times have you said, thought, or heard “you aren’t even listening to me”?  Having someone not listening to you escalates the tension. Yelling is an expected next step—discussing the original topic becomes increasingly less likely. An aim of active listening is to accurately determine the meaning of the message in a way that you understand. To do that, you must be active. In simple terms, you restate what you heard back to the speaker. This serves two purposes: 1) invites/requests clarity, 2) demonstrates listening.  “If I heard you correctly….”, “I hear you saying…is this correct?”  These are different than “you said….”, or “so, you’re saying”. Communicate to them what you heard, don't tell them what they said, and DO NOT REPEAT what they said word for word. You’re not a parrot. Use your own words—maybe you don’t restate their message accurately. Maybe they didn’t say exactly what they mean and hearing it from another’s perspective might give them an opportunity to re-think it.

The point is to achieve accuracy, so this may take a few more minutes.Using your own words also helps to uncover the interest, or the focal point. It re-centers conversation around the issue instead of a person. 

Talk less – This goes against Dr. Hawking’s insistence that we keep talking. I don’t actually know what Rapinoe meant; only she does, and I have no way to engaging in active listening with her (I can hope, though!). I took it to mean talk less as a way to argue, ridicule, and demean, and more as a way to exchange ideas, thoughts, and concerns. Talk less to avoid interruption (see above), talk more to clarify messages.

It’s our responsibility to make the world a better place. That’s Herculean. But we can go ahead and invoke the gist of JFK’s Moonshot speech; we choose to do these things not because they are easy, but because they are hard.  It’s going to take work—mostly on the part of ourselves battling our inner outbursts, biases, and gut reactions. We will be challenged by people trying to do the same, and even more challenged by those who are not. It’s up to us how we choose to engage and respond. Problem solving, overcoming challenges, constructing unity, and are all based on communication, and that starts with you.For more information on active listening, conflict management, and communication, visit OvalOptions.com

Communication: It's a Tricky Bloke

Communication: It's a Tricky Bloke

One of the central issues of conflict is communication.  Communication is more than the passing of information, which is sent as a message. At its basic level, a message has four components: content, sender, the medium, and the receiver. Each contains complexities and maintains influence over information passed (even silence can send a message). Sending a message with 100% accuracy is rare indeed.  During its lifetime a message and its meaning have a good chance of being altered, misunderstood, lost, or manipulated.  Too much damage to the message could send interlocutors into dispute, and getting out may prove difficult.Working on misinformation from a distorted message can create all kinds of headaches. Indeed, if one were to assume all information received is 100% correct 100% of the time, then big trouble would closely follow. For the most part, on a basic level, we humans have realized this. We ask for some clarity, "what do you mean?" and repetition, "could you repeat that?"  or "what?". While this helps, it is not solely reliable. This is not to say that every message needs intense scrutiny--that would be impossible and quite inefficient.  Yet, there are some occasions where scrutiny and attention to detail is beneficial. Mostly, this is during important, vital or new communications. Getting messages wrong in these circumstances can be harmful.Fortunately, people can take precautions to prevent such damage before it sets in, or mitigate its effects. It is simple to state that “knowing that complexities exist in communication helps its effectiveness”, but it is valid, just a bit difficult to maintain, especially in on-the-go dealings in real life situations.  Getting caught up in a circle of miscommunication hampers efforts of clarification. A third party, not involved in the communication, is best suited to handle clarification, and the disputes that have most likely come up due to the fog of communication.

You Have It. Conflict: An Introduction

You Have It.  Conflict: An Introduction

To help breweries better understand our services, we’ll start by clarifying conflict.  Conflict is a strong word, but it exists every day and offers opportunities for growth and progress…if managed well.  If it is not, conflict can incur devastating damages to relationships, communities and businesses.  Conflict is any instance where opposition exists, whether it is perceived or real, known or unknown.  It can range from disagreement on new recipes to Sales and Production disputes, and can be immediately or progressively destructive.  Fortunately, if managed properly, conflict provides opportunities for learning, growth, collaboration and progress. Without conflict, we would not have the wheel, medicine, comfy slippers or beer. It is vital to acknowledge when conflict exists (it can be latent for years) and know how to effectively address it.Often, the issue at hand is a culmination of tensions. Conflicts are seldom unaccompanied. That is, they attach to relationships, emotions, businesses, finances and products. As such, management and resolutions must take into account these attachments. Sometimes a relationship is more important than the actual conflict, which can still be costly, and must be considered.  Conflicts are complex and no one universal method of management and resolution exists. Proper management requires special attention to each conflict.Conflict consumes time and energy from the parties involved. This creates an attachment with the conflict and a resolution may include additional provisions, such as an apology, appreciation or reciprocation. Many win/lose resolutions beget feelings of resentment and animosity, which can only intensify latent conflict.  We assist the parties in searching for win/win solutions; answers that resolve the conflict, improve relationships, and are sensitive to finances.