Thinking Divorce? A Mediator Can Help

According to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, 50% of first marriages, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. As bad as it is for first marriages, it seems lessons are not learned. Childlessness is cited as a common cause, but often it is problems with children, in-laws, finances, and the commonly used escape clause incompatibility that are reasons for divorce. A good many divorces might be prevented if couples considered mediation prior to applying for divorce.

Mediation is not marriage counseling or “treatment” of some sort. Mediation is allowing a third party neutral to disputes to hear both sides and enable them to better understand each other. Typically, it is the lack of communication and the avoidance of the difficult conversation that is the root cause of divorce. If you are thinking of divorce, you may have other options before contacting a divorce attorney.

Why Mediate Divorce? How a Mediator Can Help During Your Divorce.

It's a fact; divorce is one of the most stressful situations you can go through in your lifetime.Yet you may choose to make it an even more difficult and costly experience for yourself by paying attorneys copious amounts of money to fight a extended and painful battle.If your children are involved this path can be an even more stressful situation.There are circumstances where the court and litigation process is the right one but even then mediation is often a viable, and sometimes required, option to work out part of the agreement leaving only the unresolved issues to the attorneys and the courts.And most certainly where there are children involved it is often in their best interest for their parents to design a parenting agreement that puts the children first. A parenting plan should be born out of compassion and care for the children’s future rather than one that is based on acrimony and winning the battle.Separating couples often go through the divorce or separation process trying to win a battle of the past relationship rather than thinking about what's best for them and their children’s future.It would seem that the intelligent and thoughtful way to move forward and get on with one's life is often through the mediation process.The mediation process empowers the involved parties to have a say so in their divorce or separation rather than have a decision imposed on them by the court.Lower cost, less stress and more meaningful agreements are some of the direct benefits of mediation.

What we learned from "what we learned". Obama/Romney Debate

The Presidential Debate in Denver on Wednesday night gave reporters plenty of things to write about --who won, who lost and what it all means.  One source (CNN.com) posted an article entitled "5 Things We Learned From the Presidential Debate". It lists five aspects to be taken from the debate to determine what should be, or was, gleaned from the exchange between Governor Romney and President Obama. Yet, none of the listed items has any substance; none matter when either gentleman takes office.Debates are all about who wins at arguing with the winner determined by a moderator(s). Substance matters for naught, and as we see in these "things we learned" articles, not even considered. Reports have concluded that Romney "won" this debate based on his positive demeanor, body language and tone, while Obama lost for the more negative levels of these. The CNN.com article claims Obama missed opportunities to attack Romney and slip in some 'zingers' that would make Obama look better, and possibly better his chances to 'win' this debate.But, big deal.  Whether Romney looked at ease, or Obama missed chances to win a debate, does not negate the importance of topics concerning America.  Or at least they shouldn’t.  And while news articles and opinion pieces announce what we learned from posture, tone and pursed lips, they underscore the emptiness of salience of presidential debates on either candidate being qualified for the office of president. In other words, the issues facing America, how they were discussed, and what the candidates offered to address these issues were not even touched upon in these articles.  Who cares what each candidate looked like, how they spoke or if they were at ease or angry? Apparently our news sources do.So, what did we learn from "what did we learn" pieces?  That many journalists and political pundits (and probably a good part of the population) think the debates offer (and should offer) only superficial factors that help calculate which gentleman is the better candidate. And this highlights one problem with Debate: that one side has to win, no matter which superficial factors are used for this determination. In the meantime, issues are ignored, discussion and collaboration shut out, and solutions unreached. The presidential debates, in their current form anyway, only serve to diminish the vetting of candidates based on substantive factors.A better approach is to have a sit-down discussion between candidates and a neutral facilitator with a flexible structure and loose time limits.  Perhaps even the candidates do not want this.Don't debate, collaborate. 

From the Inside Out: First Level Conflict Management

The field of Conflict Resolution has grown in the last 30 years, concentrating on processes such as peace building, mediation, truth commissions, and reconciliation to name a few.  The impact of Con-Res has become increasingly noticeable and its methods sought after. Yet these reactive efforts do not go far enough. Like the old saying goes, Give a man a fish; you've fed him for a day. Teach him to fish; and you've fed him for a lifetime, education of Con-Res skills needs to focus on the individual and daily life to establish a proactive approach to managing conflict.The above services (mediation et al) are enacted as a conflict intensifies, at the cessation of violence, or after it concludes (although this is a gray area).  Damage has already been done, or is accruing. Many people do not possess basic Con-Res skills, which increases the possibility that seemingly harmless misunderstandings will escalate to damaging conflicts, and the need for third party intervention becomes more and more evident.  Effective management of conflict requires personal Con-Res skills, with reactionary services on-board as important back-up procedures.If more people (ideally everybody) were to possess basic Conflict Resolution skills, then many problems, disputes, and conflicts can be prevented or managed effectively at the “first” level, thereby decreasing costs (financial, emotional, relational, physical, etc) of prolonged discontent. It is important to note that this approach will not solve every problem, or eliminate every conflict. Conflict is inevitable and a necessary condition of life; managed effectively it promotes change, progression, and innovation. To take advantage of contentious situations requires proactive measures as well as reactive services.Now is the time to teach, provide, and encourage personal Con-Res skills, especially to the youth and future generations. I see four pillars upon which more advanced methods can be learned and practiced:

• Intrapersonal Communication: Communication as it pertains to an individual (one side of an exchange).  How language, word selection, tone, volume, phrasing, body language, listening and understanding the audience affects communication.  “How did your leg break?” isn’t as accusatory as “How did you break your leg?”
• Critical Thinking: Analyzing a situation to better select communication methods, understanding consequences of actions, acknowledging the role of emotions, increase clarity in explaining interests/positions, and recognizing the impact each of these may have on others. Does placement of trash cans inhibit easy access for the sanitation workers? How would sanitation workers be affected if I place the cans in a cumbersome way? How would they react?
• Situational Awareness: Understanding the context in which conversations, actions, disagreements, and commonalities exist. Should I ask my friend for some money while within a group of people, or in private?
• Patience: To deal with emotions effectively and efficiently, not jump to conclusions, in explaining situation/reactions/motives/etc. Frustrations and emotions arise in disputes and even common communications. The ability to endure these with a clear (or clearer) head is vital to the resolution of conflict. Is someone going through a difficult time and needs to vent, not really meaning what they say even if it’s offensive to me?

Essentially these pillars become a way of life more so than a way of thinking. These basic skills would enhance reactionary services when they are needed (such as the NFL Lockout mediation). They can be built within the person, preparing them to better manage whatever conflict situation they encounter in their walk in life.  Although conflict management is never easy, people can be more empowered to resolve many conflicts themselves prior to sustaining damages.This education can be applied within public school curricula, personal coaching or tutoring, community classrooms and corporate on- and off-premise training sessions. The lessons and skills can be applied along the broad landscape of human interaction: from space exploration to day-care; from daily family life to business marketing. As long people interact the need for conflict management will persist. 

The Story Behind Oval Options

The majority of research in our field of practice revolves around academic study and theories. These theories suggest that people should always sit at a round table -- both literally and figuratively. They suggest that all decision makers should be present at meetings and that power and other factors should be balanced evenly among all participants in the process. You’ll even find that our competition often refers to “round-table solutions.” We see a round table as a very idealistic approach to conflict. Although we have a round table in our office, we recognize that a round, balanced table is an option, and even something to strive for, but it is rarely the reality in conflict. If differing power dynamics didn’t exist, the conflict probably wouldn’t either. It is our job to work with the situation that is presented and help our clients find the most realistic and appropriate resources. With these factors in mind we chose an Oval to represent our company and the processes we use, because it more accurately displays the imperfections of the world in which we work. Finally, options are what we offer our clients. We don’t offer only one type of service, such as mediation or facilitation, but rather a whole spectrum of services. Consumers don’t often research our services before they find themselves in conflict, and when you’re in conflict, you may find it difficult to take the time to consider your options. We take pride in our understanding of the field and our ability to educate prospective clients on our products, as well as when other options, such as the legal system, might be most appropriate. We will explain your options and allow you to make a more informed decision about what is right for you in your situation.