Happy Holidays!
Have you made an excuse not to go someone’s house for the holidays? Are you stocking up on booze? Have you issued a family press release that lists topics not to be discussed? Yup, it’s that time of the year when tensions can escalate, and conversations go awry. This just adds to the “normal” holiday anxiety—shopping, travel, traffic, endless Santa commercials, black Friday, cyber Monday, “seasonal” music, and so on. The anxiety builds…
There are things you can do to help make the holidays less stressful. So when Aunt Judith asks when you are going to get married, or Uncle Ted wants to discuss what’s wrong with your generation, or mom just wants everything to go perfectly, take a deep breath and consider the following:
How can I avoid holiday stress with my family?
Don’t create Fiction
Many times, we don’t know why somebody did, or said, something, yet we have a need to know. So, we make up the reason and it’s rarely accurate. Creating your own narrative for someone else’s actions is bad enough, but it creates a domino effect. Pretty soon, everyone is involved in an elaborate fiction. It affects your view of the situation, your perception of the person, your view of that person’s future actions, how you respond to them, and the relationship between the two of you. Those are just in the tip of the iceberg, too. Oh, and trust is damaged.
Intent vs. Impact
The distinction between what we intend with our actions/words and how those impact others can be subtle yet extremely important. This doesn’t mean that any impact is false or unjust. Any offense taken is still taken, even if none were intended. But, moving past the incident is easier if the intent and impact are clarified and accepted.
Problem not Person
Once the focus shifts to a person and away from the problem, tensions can escalate. This comes in several forms, form name-calling to ridicule to attacking the integrity of a messenger. Yet, it’s so easy to fall into this rut and difficult to get out as it almost always creates a cycle of personal attacks. Meanwhile, the problem persists, grows, becomes more intractable. A simple example of this is breaking down a sentence in subject/predicate form: “How did you break your leg?” implies that YOU broke your leg seemingly on purpose. But the problem is the break of the leg. Applying this to other instances can be tricky, but take a breath and see if you can spot the Problem/Person connection…and don’t do it yourself! Cousin Jerry isn’t a gossip, it’s the spreading of stories that’s the problem.
Loaded or Toxic Language
Name-calling, vulgarity, personal attacks, passive aggression are a few examples. However, not-so obvious toxicity exists in abundance. Leading and loaded questions, false conclusions, lying, sarcasm, and rhetorical questions can put others on the defensive and reduce trust. A good example is in the question, “where are you going so fast?” Well, by responding with a location, you’ve just admitted to going “so fast”. It’s a leading question; leading you to admit something. It takes a careful eye/ear to pick up on such examples, and using such language inhibits open conversation and trust. Keep away from cursing, yelling, finger pointing, sarcasm, and judgement.
Preparedness
Understand that there will be tense moments and you can prepare for them. This does NOT mean that you should start building a strong argument so you can “win” or beat the other person in debate. Your primary goal should be to reduce stress and the first step is to not increase stress. Getting involved in a debate increases tension. Be prepared to not debate: walk away, don’t counter, let them talk.
Anticipation
Have you ever dreaded a situation, but then afterwards realized, “well, that wasn’t so bad”? Anticipation for an event can be worse than the event itself, and can actually add fuel to an unlit fire. Keep in mind that other family members may be experiencing the same dread and be already tense. One small spark can ignite a firestorm. So, don’t “play out” the situation in your head over and over again—knowing just what they’re going to say and how you’re going to respond.
Understanding Differences
We are all different, including you and your family members. Being different, and having different experiences, thoughts, and opinions is okay. Understanding that someone thinks differently is not the same as adopting their thinking. And it’s okay if you don’t understand why they think differently. Understand that not everyone will agree with what you say, think, believe, feel and do. Convincing them can be futile (and not the point).
Self-Truth
A little bit of soft honesty can go a long way. Honesty about yourself, not other people. If you are uncomfortable talking about something, then say so…and give a little bit of an honest explanation to help others understand what you mean. They may keep pushing. Try to disengage or ask them to stop. IF they keep at it, then realize that it’s about them, not you. They need to vent for some reason. You may have to separate their issue from your person.
Confrontation
The Holiday season is no time to initiate confrontation. If you would like to confront someone, wait until later. If someone confronts you, say you understand and you both can talk about it later. There is simply too much stress to address disputes constructively during holidays. Maybe agree on a time/place after the holidays to talk things over. But, don’t use this as an excuse to not talk about it. This will only make next year worse.
Active Listening
A more involved approach that requires three things: patience, silence, and rephrasing. If you really want to talk about something, then you should listen as well. Be patient while others are talking, be quiet, and repeat what they say in your own words. This has several benefits:
Helps you understand what they’re saying,
Provides them an opportunity to clarify what they mean, and
Signals to them that you are actually listening. This isn’t easy at times, especially when emotions are getting revved up.
Emotions
Yes, those things. Emotions are not wrong or right. They just are. Don’t minimize, judge, or ignore others’ emotions. Acknowledge that they feel a certain way, or ask them. Pay attention to your emotions, know when your blood pressure is ticking up, and make others aware what you’re feeling (if you’re comfortable with that). Chances are they haven’t read this article, so keep that in mind, too.
Some issues cannot be resolved. Others may take time. This is no magic wand that cures all, but with just a little bit of effort, understanding and patience (and maybe a touch of acceptance) can turn that holiday nightmare into an enjoyable time. Again, the goal is to reduce stress, not win an argument, humiliate someone, or talk trash.