Trump

To Make Change, Change the Change

What we have here is failure to change

Many people see change as a top-down approach: change policy and everything else will follow. A border wall will stop immigrants from seeking a better life; marching will persuade against such a wall. What the top-down approaches miss is the “down” portion. Such actions do not seek and do not address the personal aspects of change. The individual is the key to changing the “top”, and while the sought change may take more time to achieve, it is more durable and more accepted. Change in the individual leads to change in the overall. We see this in targeted messaging used in political campaigns, which typically base their messages on demographics (but not solely). For example, all women receive the same message, or all African-Americans, or all males between 18-30 years old. Yet, personal interaction is removed and personal understanding is never attempted. It fails to effectively change the individual. Consequently, nothing changes and the roots of contention sprout the same arguments over and over and over again.

Personality Goes a Long Way

However, during the 2016 presidential campaign, some politicians utilized a more refined tool of targeting.  Alexander Nix of Strategic Communication Laboratories (SCL) bases his company’s data mining efforts on the principle that personality shapes behavior. Psychographics is what Mr. Nix calls the focus on personality targeting over demographics. “Personality drives behavior”, he stated at the 2016 Concordia Summit. “And behavior obviously influences how you vote.” This strategy was employed by Senator Cruz, and later, Donald Trump. The results speak for themselves.People may demonize and blame Mr. Nix for who is in the White House, but that misses an important point. Some may curse the use of technology to understand, and possibly exploit, personality.  It is worrisome that technology can analyze and base messages on psychographics. But again, the main point is overlooked.The important point, and what the election results illustrate, is the power and salience of our personalities, how they affect our behaviors and how our behaviors influence change. And it is here that we invoke the late Harold Saunders, founder of the Sustained Dialogue Institute and former U.S. Assistant Secretary of State for Intelligence. His focus was on achieving and sustaining peace through personal dialogues, and from these “grassroots” efforts for larger change can begin.So what does this mean?  Well, personal dialogue involves personal interaction and when people interact their personalities are illustrated. Perhaps more importantly, your personality is on display as well. And it is here where change must be rooted.   The old adages, “Be the change you want to see” and “treat others the way you wish to be treated” hold true here for they address the main challenge to instituting change: Why would someone else change, or listen to you, if you aren’t willing to change or listen?The purpose here is not to declare all efforts to change that do not include dialogue are wrong. Or that the current movements are invalid. Rather, it is the importance and power personal introspection and understanding. If personality is key to change, with Mr. Nix providing convincing evidence, then we should understand our own personalities. Only then can we begin to understand others and their motivations. If you want equal rights, then be prepared to treat others equally, even if (and especially) when you disagree with them. If you want to be heard and understood, then prepare to listen and learn.The goal is to create honest and open dialogue where both/all sides strive to listen, learn, educate and understand, which constitute personal change. But this is not easy. Allowing for and accepting personal change is a conflict within one’s self. To change is to declare that the current status as unacceptable or undesirable. The ego suffers a strong blow. We are resistant to change and tend to subconsciously become defensive and lash out, thus threatening the dialogue process.  Our old habit is to debate.

I Must Break You

According to Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit”, habit is, well, powerful. The cue > routine > reward cycle can be so engrained within us that we don’t recognize it, and it becomes difficult to break or change. It requires self-awareness, analysis and understanding. For example, a cue may be a post (a political stance) on Facebook that triggers the routine (opposition to this stance) to produce the reward (feeling of “doing right”). And on Facebook, this cycle continues along this one post. Facebook is full of such posts, and consequently, many cycles of habit. One routine begets others, and down the rabbit hole we go.Enter Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. What has our habit to debate changed? Why do we keep debating if nothing changes? Why does the same cycle of change keep churning? So, why do we keep relying on debate? This habit is difficult to break because the reward is internal.There are steps to take that can, over time, allow for personal change in the form of progress and improvement. Realize that habit can be changed, that personal interaction is imperative and that you are a root from which change can grow to the “top”. To break the habit, recognize where it lives. Instead of offering counterpoints, as per the example, ask for clarity or more detail. Granted, Facebook is not  the best place for this to occur, but it’s a start. If such point/counterpoint occurs in person, then breaking this habit is much more salient. It takes practice, but changing yourself can change others, and changing the national habit of debate to that of dialogue can start cultivating change.

The roots of change

Understand your motivations, reactions and responses  We often pigeonhole ourselves into positions and lose touch with our interests. That is, the core reasons for our struggle are clouded by our efforts and strategies utilized to achieve victory.  Ask yourself, “why am I encouraging this or discouraging that?”  Then ask of the answer, “why is this so?”.  Other questions include: Why do you react the way you do? What feelings are brought up? Why those feelings? Why are you mad, sad, happy, irritated, etc.?  Do your response reflect your proposal or your reaction?  These questions are not the one-and-done type. They are asked to invite more inquiry, more discovery. They must be asked again and again with the goal of understanding yourself.Realize the reasons you are expressing Why do we express our thoughts? What’s the purpose of communicating to someone: Is it venting, or antagonizing, or grandstanding, or persuasion, or pontificating, or something else?  What do you seek to accomplish through expression? Is it working?Recognize and try to foresee impact  Our words, actions and inactions affect others. In order for the effect to match our motivations, we must know the audience, context, message cycle (word selection > message encoding/sentence structure > transmission > medium > reception > decoding > interpretation > possible impacts), and language (verbal and body).  Seek to understand motivations of others  Even if you have mastered the process of understanding your motivations, what you’re going to say, why you’re going to say it and at least the medium-term effects, others may not possess such insight and skill.  Why are they expressing? Are they influenced by their emotions? What impact do they wish to achieve? Did I offend them is some way I didn’t realize?Ask questions to learn, not to badger  Questions can sometimes be used, and received, as tools to ridicule, judge, entrap and challenge. The “gotchya” question is a manipulation of inquiry and good mechanism for the other party to refuse answering more questions. Asking such questions damages your integrity and reputation.  Instead, ask questions of genuine curiosity with the goal of learning something. Enhance your knowledge and, therefore, improve your proposals. Not to mention strengthen your integrity.Challenge your beliefs  We sometimes hold onto beliefs as a source of comfort, but haven’t asked ourselves why we believe such things. The reasons for a belief could be buried in time, altered by experience and perhaps not really a belief at all, just a form of rote memorization and habit.  “Reality Check” your proposals Think ahead and put your proposal in place. Who does it affect? How? Who would challenge it? Why and how? If you hand a magic wand and instantly change things to your vision, would you have any complaints? This extends beyond the present one step to the next 10.Listen Seems easy enough, but in reality it takes considerable effort. If you find yourself thinking of a reply, then you’re not listening. If you interrupt, then you’re not listening. Dedicate your energy to hearing what is being said, then rephrasing it in your own words. Communicate this rephrasing back to the speaker to a) make sure you heard correctly and, b) demonstrate that you are indeed listening. 


 

Women’s March — The Next Step and Where It Can Lead

Looking Forward

As I write this, the Women’s March is currently taking place across the country and the numbers are staggering. So far, it’s been peaceful and I am unaware of any counter protests. My hope is that the day remains peaceful and the message is effective. To do so, however, requires more than a march.  To effect change of this kind is not a grassroots effort. It is within the grassroots: Within individuals. And to begin change it will take individual efforts to communicate with other individuals on a personal level. Face-to-face conversations and dialogue of curiosity* aimed at understanding. This is not easy. It is not quick. It is not straightforward.In mediation we help parties to understand their own interests AND those of the other party. While the first task seems easy, it can be just as difficult as the second. Understanding one’s own interests requires introspection and personal challenging of positions. It most often requires a recognition or realization that s/he is wrong, which meets resistance.  Many times a party is so focused on her/his position that they forget why they took such position in the first place, or their reasoning is influenced by emotion. This is not wrong, and emotions ought to be acknowledge. Yet, allowing their total influence just makes progress more difficult.If a goal of the Women’s March is for Trump to leave office…and he leaves office…then what? Does this really resolve the issue? If the issue is his removal, then yes it does. If the issue is working towards (inter)national equality, then it really does not. There are more steps to take. And this leads us to the second effort: Understanding the other party’s interest. Like the first, this effort is not easy. Making it more difficult is the fact that the other party is not really a party—it’s a widely held (loosely or tightly) belief. Such belief could be, and most often is, tied up in a labyrinth of other issues.To assume that some people believe in inequality is a mistake. Just like assuming those who voted for Trump also support inequality; there’s more to their vote than just one issue. (For over a century political strategies included the “single issue platform” and we have learned to vote according to one, perhaps two, issues. Yet there are many more that need to be considered).  We do not know the narratives or backgrounds of, and influences upon, other people. Much like the scene in Good Will Hunting, does reading “Oliver Twist” encapsulate the identity and personality of all orphans? No. It takes time, effort and intense curiosity* to understand anyone, including those who support President Trump and/or inequality. This takes practice. Yes, practice. It is easy to fall back into positions and ignore, forget or lose sight of interests.Below is a quick list to practice to assist in effecting change. It is part of the next step and not a checklist for completion of the goal:

  • A position is the outward efforts used to secure or promote an interest. Often, positions are confused with interests, but they can be quite different. Try to find your interests in (much) smaller issues, such as your favorite restaurant, or sports team, or pair of shoes
  • Do not assume you know what the other person believes or is thinking. Would you be comfortable with them doing so about you?
  • Do not assume you know why they believe, think or act as they do
  • To address a problem, it must first be understood. To understand it, it must be identified. To be identified, questions of curiosity* need to be asked
  • Such questions should be asked of one’s self as well. Every time an answer is given, ask “why is that?” Sounds annoying, and it is, but it is also crucial
  • Separate the person from the problem. Once a position or argument moves to ad hominem attacks or assumptions, progress is at best halted, and more often than not, it is destroyed
  • Recognize a false dichotomy. Much of the world is not “either/or” as there are important factors between the extremes. We see this a lot in political arguments: If someone does not agree to A then they oppose B-Y, and are therefore in the Z camp. This false dichotomy divides America more than anything else. Find the in-between
  • Recognize that the other person is just that: A person. Chances are they are not the devil incarnate, hold Nazi beliefs or want to live on welfare their whole life. They share many of the same interests as you. It’s up to you to find and illustrate these
  • Be curious*, refrain from judgment and welcome questions from others, keeping responses on topic and away from personal attacks

* Curiosity.  In the political climate, we tend to ask questions in order to find out if the responder is either with us or against us. The “got ya” questions run rampant in this type of atmosphere, but they don’t really accomplish anything aside from perpetuating a false dichotomy and stagnating efforts of progress. Questions of curiosity seek answers for themselves and not to judge. They help us learn and we must ask such questions with that goal in mind. Learning to improve ourselves, not pigeonhole others.Example: Mr. Trump’s comments about women that were recorded on a bus. Many judged him on the spot and resisted his campaign. I am not saying these people are wrong. I would encourage questions of curiosity: Why would he say such things? What happened in his life that would lead him to feel it is OK and proper to say such things? What was his goal to say what he did?  Did he actually do what he said he did? And, what influenced him to act the way he said he did? In other words, what shaped his personal identity that affected his actions and words?  From these questions we can learn more about external influences on Mr. Trump—and since these are external to him, then they are capable of affecting anyone. We must strive to understand those so we may address them and effect change.


 

Post Election: Now What?

Ok, the election is over. Now what? This is a great time to consider what this country should become and it starts with you.Roughly 120,000,000 people voted: Trump won the electoral race, Clinton the popular vote. Clearly, America is divided. What we do next, as “winners” and “losers”, can help heal this country, or drive it deeper into the abyss. And Americans share more interests than we think.For Trump supporters: Here is a great chance to start the healing and rebuilding to make America greater. You have about 60,000,000 people who are devastated, sad, scared and disillusioned. They are not wrong. What do you do? The easy thing is to gloat and kick them when they’re down, but that’s unpatriotic. It’s un-American. Americans pick each other up after a defeat. They teach and learn from each other. They sympathize and, if possible, empathize with their fellow citizens. They move forward, leaving no one behind.For Clinton supporters: It was not an evil conspiracy. There are about 60,000,000 people who felt disenfranchised, lied to, betrayed and threatened. They are not wrong. You have a choice: to work with the new president, or expend energy opposing everything. The current Congress chose the latter, angering many and stalling this country. Cooperating won’t be easy, which is why it must be done. You have four years to work this out and take the high road.Some quick tips:

  • When disagreements arise, let’s understand the situation and focus on substantive issues
  • Abandon the personal attacks and superficial jabs.
  • Restrain from saying, “you’re wrong”, because what you’re really saying is “I’m right” and “me being right is more important than whatever we’re talking about”
  • Use “I” statements. “I feel this policy is bad because….”. Or, “I think the best course of action is…”
  • Listen. This sounds easy, but it can be difficult. The goal is twofold: to understand what the other person is saying, and to signal to them that yes, you are listening. Reframing is a good way to accomplish this: “If I’m hearing you correctly, you’re saying….” It’s not repeating what they say, but putting it your own words. If they say, “no, that’s not what I said” then ask them to explain it
  • Dialogue, not debate. Debate is used to determine a winner in an argument, not to find the truth or seek solutions. Dialogue is an effort to understand a situation and develop solutions. Again, this can be difficult, which is why it must be done

You may feel like you have won or lost the election. You didn’t. For a vast majority of us, we didn’t win or lose anything; we aren't moving into the White House. On top of that, each candidate will forget about you soon, if not already. It’s up to you. It’s up to us. Take back the power politicians have used to manipulate us and how we treat each other. We all want the same things: security, family, health and shelter, but differ on how we attain them.  Don’t let politicians and “elites” use these differences to drive us apart. That’s not the American way.Cheers and Beers!

Pre-Election 2016: The Power

In everyday life, how much do you care about total strangers? It’s safe to say that you don’t really think all much about them. Apart from brief encounters (at the market, while driving, etc.), your feeling towards strangers is most likely indifference.  You don’t know enough about them to like them or hate them. There’s nothing wrong with indifference. Ascribing “like” or “hate” to everyone you encounter just doesn’t make sense, but we still teach our kids to be polite to strangers.And for the most part, we are polite. We don’t really take notice of this because it is so common. What we do notice and remember, however, are the exceptions; the rude customer, a snappy waiter, or the slow poke in the left lane. Being polite, or not being rude, is the downhome American way.  It’s one of America’s best attributes, and it holds up well through our differences. Even Red Sox and Yankee fans can get along…sometimes.So why do we get so worked up over Donald and Hillary? Why does the fervor over who supports whom create so much animosity and disgust? The overarching answer is simple: because we allow it.  Office seekers have been playing with our emotions, identities, fears and hope for so long that we overlook their meddling hands. There is a reason why this election campaign has seen so many personal attacks by both candidates, the media, supporters and bystanders. Mudslinging is all we know these days. Politicians have skillfully maneuvered us away from the intricacies of policy, governance, foreign relations and domestic liberties, and towards the simplistic ad hominem attacks prevalent in just about every political (and many non-political) topics.  And this has carried over into our social interactions, about which politicians care very little.So here we are, giving one stranger (Donald or Hillary) the absolute power to dictate how we, as individuals, treat each other.   They push our buttons, buttons that they have installed on us. They diverted our attention away from issues and problem solving and onto demonizing each other under the guise of protecting us. But here’s the thing: They are only as powerful as we make them. The real power in America resides in its people, individually and collectively. The strength to listen, learn and teach. The power to innovate, invent and create.Each of us has our own agency. Our power resides in how we think, feel, behave, interact and socialize. We have the power to build, shape and improve our society. We have the power to ignore (and punish) mudslinging, to actually analyze our situations and come up with solutions. You have the power over yourself, your buttons and your attitudes to be nice, respectful and civil to your fellow citizens. We are actual power of the U.S.A.  The stranger who takes office will very quickly forget us; your friends and family will not. Will indifference matter then?